Jum’at Kelabu

​Jumat Kelabu

Gagak tua melintas bisu

di balik pias jendelaku

orang-orang pergi berkabung 

pada mereka yang telah gugur

kau tahu, bagaimana wujud duka itu?

ia seperti ranting rapuh

yang melapuk ditelan waktu 

kau tak akan sempat berlari, 

kau tak akan sempat sembunyi 

karena ia, lambat laun mengejarmu 

(mencarimu hingga di titik akhirmu)

kesedihan, penderitaan, 

kesengsaraan menjelma pekat, 

membuat langit menderu

membuat bau anyir di sekelilingmu

bak daging mentah membusuk,

(aku rasa itu hatiku, aku rasa begitu)

Di sini,

​Manisku, 

aku menunggu,

pada detik-detik daun gugur, 

pada aroma tubuh yang diam-diam mengusik rindu.

aku menunggu,

pada langit mendung kelabu, 

pada rembulan yang malu

(karena kalah pada indahnya senyummu)

aku menunggu, 

entah hingga esok,

entah hingga ribuan windu,

atau hingga.,

jantungku berhenti berdegup.

Aku & Syair Kematian

​ketika kelak waktuku tiba 

malaikat pencabut nyawa menyapa 

tak perlu kau turut memandikan 

jasadku yang dingin profan

cukup kau singkapkan kafan perlahan 

pandang wajahku dalam senyuman 

lalu bacakan puisi-puisi kenangan 

yang pernah menggiring hidupku 

menuju sunyi alam kematian

​What if you don’t have a mother to come home to?

​This sadness is not something that can be allowed to linger for too long.

For almost a year now, I haven’t been able to sleep peacefully. I rely on medication just to numb a pain that somehow spreads from my heart, fills my head, and slowly takes over my entire body.

Today, I took four pills. After that, I told a friend that I couldn’t come to meet them because I was away on vacation. But the truth is, I was only shutting myself away. I couldn’t bear to face other people. I just wanted to disappear from the world for a while to become something that didn’t need to be seen, questioned, or expected to explain anything.

I feel like Gregor Samsa in Kafka’s The Metamorphosis,. trapped inside a body that no longer even feels like my own.

My weight keeps increasing, even though I feel like I barely eat anymore. Everything feels like the result of these fucking medications that are supposed to calm my heart and my mind, yet somehow only make me feel even more alienated from myself.

And out of everything that hurts, perhaps the saddest thing is feeling unseen. Feeling like I don’t matter. Failing. Watching everything I have poured all my strength into end up feeling meaningless.

Come on, I’m only twenty.

Why does life already feel this heavy?

Why did this horror come so soon?

The darkness seems to be slowly spreading through my entire body. It enters my head, sinks into my chest, and settles there as though it has no intention of ever leaving.

I’m still here, but it feels as though most of me disappeared a long time ago.

Broken me, as miserable as I am.

​Broken me, as miserable as I am.

 

One day my mother will call me her little girl again, and my father will finally notice the weight behind my smile.

The people I loved will finally learn how to stay.

And I will finally receive all the words i once prayed for.

They will say,

"She deserved more."

But by then, i will have become a star in the sky... close enough to be seen, too far away to be held.