​This sadness is not something that can be allowed to linger for too long.

For almost a year now, I haven’t been able to sleep peacefully. I rely on medication just to numb a pain that somehow spreads from my heart, fills my head, and slowly takes over my entire body.

Today, I took four pills. After that, I told a friend that I couldn’t come to meet them because I was away on vacation. But the truth is, I was only shutting myself away. I couldn’t bear to face other people. I just wanted to disappear from the world for a while to become something that didn’t need to be seen, questioned, or expected to explain anything.

I feel like Gregor Samsa in Kafka’s The Metamorphosis,. trapped inside a body that no longer even feels like my own.

My weight keeps increasing, even though I feel like I barely eat anymore. Everything feels like the result of these fucking medications that are supposed to calm my heart and my mind, yet somehow only make me feel even more alienated from myself.

And out of everything that hurts, perhaps the saddest thing is feeling unseen. Feeling like I don’t matter. Failing. Watching everything I have poured all my strength into end up feeling meaningless.

Come on, I’m only twenty.

Why does life already feel this heavy?

Why did this horror come so soon?

The darkness seems to be slowly spreading through my entire body. It enters my head, sinks into my chest, and settles there as though it has no intention of ever leaving.

I’m still here, but it feels as though most of me disappeared a long time ago.

Broken me, as miserable as I am.